Turbulence Part 1
Dear Lover,
As the holiday season approaches, I find myself reflecting on the unique experiences shared with Tyler during the pandemic. Since my Na-Na's passing, holiday moments have carried a mix of highs and lows, particularly as I navigated the challenge of embracing new traditions without her. Tyler, recognizing the difficulties of these times, displayed his friendship by inviting me to join his family for Thanksgiving. While I was surprised, not due to a lack of closeness – as Tyler and I share a deep bond – I was taken aback by the profound connection we had forged. Introduced to each other through mutual friends, meeting someone who mirrored my creativity, language, and perspectives was a rare and special occurrence. In Tyler’s company, our friendship was embraced by a soothing sense of familiarity, and I believe I provided him with a similar source of solace.
He picked me up from my best friend's house, and although I was excited to see him, a subtle nervousness lingered. I had previously met his family and even interviewed his mom for my show, a setup orchestrated by him. While I felt a genuine connection with them, spending the holidays with someone's family carries a certain intimacy, especially given our past closeness. Upon arriving at his mother's house, the entire family was gathered: his brother and his girlfriend, his sister and her girlfriend, and his younger siblings. Being in their midst brought back memories of holidays with my own family in my younger years, rekindling the joy I once experienced when we all gathered at Na-Na's house.
Throughout the night, I couldn't help but contemplate the "what ifs" that lingered between us. Although I had made the decision for us to remain friends, there were moments when I questioned if it was indeed the right choice.
Tyler decided to visit me in New York for the weekend before Christmas. Once again, the excitement of anticipating his arrival was tangible, as our moments together were consistently filled with genuine joy. Before Tyler entered my life, I had recently ended a relationship where I felt constrained, unable to reveal my true self. It felt like being confined in a cage. However, with Tyler, I felt the liberation to be entirely authentic—whether in my girly-girl moments, exuding hood vibes, pursuing ambitious nerdy interests, or embracing a quiet, laid-back demeanor. Tyler welcomed every aspect of my personality, and in return, it fostered the belief that it was acceptable for me to show up as myself because someone was willing to accept me for who I am.
When Tyler arrived, I greeted him at the airport, and the excitement of our reunion was noticeable. While he had been to New York before, this marked our first time experiencing the city together. I was eager to show him the city that meant so much to me and share with him the New York that I had known since childhood. He booked a hotel I selected in downtown Brooklyn, and I should have been better prepared with liquor and other essentials as New York had a pandemic-related curfew in place. Once we settled in, the curfew was looming, and we found ourselves without any food or drinks. Fortunately, we managed to order some food, but after exploring the area, our only option for a drink was what some affectionately call "thot juice" (if you know, you know). Despite the enforced curfew, our first night together turned out to be incredibly enjoyable. Reflecting on it now, it felt like we were having an unforgettable sleepover, one that I wished would never come to an end.
During our sleepover, Tyler's personality unfolded in ways that only intimate settings can reveal. He wasn't just the charismatic friend I knew; he was also the playful, carefree spirit who suggested we play games like we were kids again. Laughter echoed through the room as we jumped on the bed, listening to music while shedding the weight of adult responsibilities for those carefree moments. It was in these instances that I saw a side of Tyler that transcended the complexities of life—a genuine, uninhibited joy that made our connection even more profound.
However, in the midst of our sleepover, an unexpected interruption occurred when someone he was currently dating called. Despite the uncertainty surrounding the depth of their relationship, my intuition assured me that he liked her. I had become so attuned to myself during that period that my awareness extended to everything around me, including his emotions. A hint of jealousy crept in as he continued talking to her. I walked into the hallway and decided to confide in my two friends, knowing they were the ones I could turn to, even if I couldn't find the perfect words to articulate how I was feeling. Unwilling to stay in the room with him while he was on the phone with her, I, in a decisive move, informed him that I was heading home. It was the only card I had to play, and surprisingly, it worked. He promptly got off the phone, and we resumed our sleepover.
We kicked off our day bright and early, and I took him to all my favorite spots as well as the places I knew he had on his list to visit. The day started with some early drinks, and for both of us, it felt like we were in our own little world. Our energy was undeniable, even if we were oblivious to it. As we strolled down the street, several people commented on how good we looked together, and even my close friend remarked that we resembled a walking Hallmark card. This marked the first time he met my closest friends in New York, and I got to know his friends residing in the city as well. Everything just felt perfect, like stepping into one of those holiday movies set in New York that always tug at your heartstrings, no matter how many times you've seen it.
My favorite moments during our time together were our conversations. Once we decided to be friends, we made a pact to always be honest with each other. In my heart at that time, I truly believed Tyler didn't have a space where he could truly be himself. His appearance often made it easy for him to get his way whenever he pleased. I'm not implying that the women in his life didn't challenge him, but I knew they didn't challenge him the way I did. I saw beyond his looks; I thought he was incredibly cool and talented. Moreover, I appreciated how he trusted me enough to be himself, a trust that I knew wasn't easy for him to give. We shared almost everything with each other, and I didn't take that lightly.
During our conversation, we delved into the topic of the girl he was dating. Once again, he downplayed the depth of their relationship, but I, possessing what some might call the gift of sight, could see the unfolding of their future. Having foresight isn't always easy, and in that moment, I felt frustrated that everything I had envisioned about his future seemed destined to unfold, without me in the picture. As we stood in line at the Supreme store, I encouraged him to be honest and forthright about his feelings for the girl. After taking a deep breath, he admitted that he did like her, but it didn't go beyond that. He often shared with me that he couldn't be himself with her as he could with me, and I interjected, emphasizing that it wasn't fair to her. What I truly wanted to convey was that it wasn't fair to me, but in the intricate game of love, you win some and then you lose some.
Despite my playful tone, I subtly hinted that she will become the mother of his child. He brushed it off casually, yet amidst our jokes about his aversion to condoms, I couldn't shake the conviction that what I saw was bound to happen. I also reiterated multiple times that God was going to bless him with a daughter, to which he responded with a mix of skepticism and amusement. Knowing Tyler's deep appreciation for women, I understood that in the grand design of life, God often grants us what we cherish the most to serve as our greatest teachers.
Later that evening, we joined my friends for dinner, and it was equally important for my friends to meet him, as they were well aware of my feelings toward him. As the night progressed, one of my dear friends, whom I cherish, boldly asked him about the status of our relationship. I was taken aback by the question, and things took an awkward turn. Although I knew my friend had good intentions, and as mentioned earlier, no one could deny our chemistry, I was low-key mad that she asked him that. Some things are better left unsaid. On our way back to the hotel, we found ourselves in an argument over heaven knows what, and before I knew it, I was left standing outside our hotel looking dumb as hell while he went inside. I'll admit, I half-expected him to come back out and get me, but my dramatic ass eventually realized that he wasn't returning. And it was cold as hell that night.
Once I entered the room, Tyler was already in bed, and it was evident that the night had come to an end. I joined him in bed, realizing he wasn't asleep. Up until that point, we hadn't been intimate for a considerable period, maintaining a boundary because we both desired our friendship to remain just that. However, that night, a certain feeling lingered, and it seemed like crossing that line was a possibility. I slept on my stomach, sensing his hand close by, and as surreal as it may sound, I found myself hoping for another chance at whatever undefined connection we shared. At that time, few understood the depth of my feelings for him, and honestly, I wasn't entirely sure how I felt either, but I knew it surpassed mere friendship. Despite the lingering possibilities, nothing transpired, leaving me with memories and the unexplored potential of what could have been.
As his time in New York was coming to an end, his friend arrived to pick us up so that we could drop him off at the airport. We keekee about our weekend together, laughing at the previous night, as we were definitely a bit tipsy. Upon reaching the airport, we exchanged hugs, and he unexpectedly said, I love you. I believed him, recognizing it wasn't a declaration of romantic love but a genuine affection for someone you deeply care about. It caught me off guard because, despite always sensing his feelings, I had never heard him express it verbally in those three words. However, my intuitive sense kicked in, telling me this would be the final time we'd share this space. Despite the realization, I responded with an I love you too, knowing deep down that, for us, those words would remain just that—mere words.
On my way home, I found myself reflecting on the weekend, and a recurring question lingered: How did Tyler and I end up here?
Love you deep,
Eboné
